Movie Review: Kyaa Kool Hain Hum 3...or Kyaa Disgusting Hain Hum?

Here's the latest update from the world of Bollywood. We bet you wouldn't want to miss this. Read on for details... An open eek-mail to Ekta Kapoor

Rating: Zero, baida, shunya.

My dear Ektaji,

I went to your KKHH Chheee, knowing completely what to expect. Vulgarity unlimited. Lewd wisecracks on the lines of “Main deti hoon, main leti hoon”, “kitna bada hai”, a mouse wriggling into a male’s trousers (without biting his private parts), not to omit cheesy close-ups of breasts, behinds and faux erections.

Okay, so I can endure totally downmarket, toilet humour, but what I experienced was enough to give anyone a brain tumour. I finally left the auditorium (Inox, Nariman Point, 12.15 p.m. show) feeling tortured. The audience of 10 or so in a 100-plus-seater wasn’t giggling or tittering either. 

Sannata, there was.

Right, so this sick flick is no aphrodisiac for the multiplexes. It’s calculated, as the trade would maintain, on the business toted at the single-screeners. 

Good luck to you, may you make crores and crores, but ever since I’ve seen you as a young woman of substance – who has made a deadly impact in male-appropriated show business --  I do have 10 questions to ask of you. 

I would go to the extent of defying you to answer them on this space if you have the guts. And I know you do, which is why I’m baiting you. 

If you wish to ignore them, no problems. That’s your call entirely. Critics, reviewers, whatever, like myself, especially myself, are dumb clucks. What do we carpers know about what sells and what doesn’t? Money makes the world and cinema go round, but at what cost Ektaji?

Anyway, here are the 10 questions for your consideration:

  • You’ve been a feisty young woman who established her hold on TV serials and then, filmmaking. Are you truly happy with hawking this puerile punishment, the  Kyaa Kool…franchise. And if so, could you tell me why please? Pretty please.

  • Sex flicks, packed with execrable situations, about the male libido (or the lack of it) have been a pretty rabid fixture in Hollywood. Did they inspire you or do you just have this subconscious desire to depict men as mindless, brain-castrated bozos?

  • Actually not a bad agenda, that, cutting men to size. They all seem to be over-endowed, what with crows perching comfily on their you-know-whats. Consistently, your males give the impression of being freaks of nature. But child, why portray women as batty bimbos, who breathe heavy (one explains that by claiming she has asthma), and do things with their mouth as if they were on a dentist’s chair for a root canal?

  • What’s with the bikini phobia? Sorry but your Mandana Karimi doesn’t do much more than grinning wiiiiiiiide and  posing as a mannequin in itsy-bitsies.

  • Imposing a gay, effeminate sidey in the plot amounts to homophobia,  doesn’t it?

  • Why allow lewd puns from writers Milap Zaveri-Mushtaq Sheikh, directed by one Umesh Ghadge? Good ole Sholay has been retitled as Kholay, just in case that missed your perusal.

  • Hollywood sex flicks do have storyline of sorts. None here. If at all, it’s a mishmash of two bachelors, Rocky and Kanhaiya, who fly to Thailand to act in porn movies and then lampoon Sooraj Barjatya’s Hum Aapke Hain Koun..! The Barjatyas are named as Karjatyas. How dignified is this of you?

  •  Aftab Shivdasani and your kid bro Tusshar Kapoor, are now associated essentially with sexcapades. Is this the way to re-invent their careers or ending them prematurely?

  • One ancient gentleman in KKHH3 swallows a heap of Viagras because he’s about to be introduced to ‘laundiyas’. Are you cool about women being called ‘laundiyas’?

  •  From what I’ve perceived over the years, Ektaji, you’re super-intelligent and have carried the work of your father, actor Jeetendra, to the next level. Like it or not, though, there’s the danger of becoming an Ekta Bhi Kabhi Dhansoo Thi. Repetition of risque business – whether it involves two uncool heroes, that frisky mouse or a potty-mouthed parrot -- can’t go yawn forever.

These 10 questions just amount to my take, nothing more, nothing less. But wait…

Last additional question: Will you please stop and save us from a Kyaa Kool Hain Hum 4? I promise to send you a normal, clean-cut parrot…if you do. 

Warmest regards of the season.